We have arrived at the intersection of civility as a country, faced with a decision of where to turn. The road to civility is congested with toxic pollutants that are suffocating our ability to treat each other as human beings. Critical junctures of the path forward are flooded with undercurrents of conflict so deep that it seems no bridge could possibly span it.
A Historic Saturday
I very rarely write about current events, much less politics. As an American, it is hard to ignore the happenings of this past weekend. A former United States President and current candidate for the office was less than an inch away from being assassinated. If anything in this paragraph prompts you to stop reading, I encourage you to keep pressing forward.
It was one of those once in a generation moments, the kind that keeps you glued to the news, eagerly awaiting the next development.
When I saw the news break, I immediately went to X (formerly Twitter) to see what was trending. Sadly, within just minutes of the incident, the uncivil extremes of both ends went to work. There were posts from conspiracies, misleading information, and all the way to people publicly posting their disappointment the shooter missed. All before we knew whether former President Trump was okay.
What in the world have we come to? I just sat in solitude, full of disbelief.
Civility
A quick Google search produces the following definition for civility: “formal politeness and courtesy in behavior or speech.” We seemed to have lost that ability to meet those standards as a society.
Intersections
Whenever a traffic light is out at an intersection, the rules of the road say to treat it as a four-way STOP. You STOP…then START. Since we were children, we were taught to STOP and look both ways before crossing the road. You STOP…then START. If we apply the same principles to the intersection of civility, we need to STOP doing certain things and START doing others. Here are several things required to restore civility in this world.
STOP Debating, START Dialogue
In this political season, debates are the hot topic. I often wonder if you took two candidates for office, relaxed their posture by sitting them in comfortable chairs around a fire pit, gave each their preferred adult beverage, and let them participate in dialogue for a couple of hours. It would likely produce a more civil form of discourse through dialogue.
The same goes for us as people. In a debate, we seek to win. Through dialogue, we seek understanding. We gain more ground towards civility when we STOP debating and START dialogue.
STOP Typing, START Deleting
Social media has given each of us the ability to share our opinion far past where we probably need to. Find a polarizing post, chase the comments. I am blown away at the amount of people that spend an inordinate amount of time going back and forth with each other on comment sections. Keyboard warriors sew discourse and dissent from a distance in order to avoid proximity.
We are all susceptible to this. It’s easy to get baited into responding and reacting. Our time is better spent with our families, friends, loved ones, improving ourselves, and bettering others. So…next time we get the urge, STOP typing, START Deleting in the name of civility.
STOP Being Angry, START Being Calm
There are Mean and Nasty People in this world. Every angry person has a trail of destruction behind them, paved with bitterness. There has likely been a series of events in their life that have led to them lashing out on us and others.
We must never lead ourselves into believing that we are not capable of the same thing. All of us have our moments where emotions get elevated, and we react poorly.
In these moments, we must remember that calm is contagious. It is the counterbalance to anger. I have always regretted how I have treated others when I was angry, never once when I remained calm. To be civil, we must STOP being angry and START being calm.
STOP Being Selfish, START Being Selfless
Here is an exercise for you. Go to a bookstore and look for the, “How to be more selfish section.” Spoiler alert…there isn’t one. Being selfish is naturally engrained in us. It emerged the first time someone tried to play with one of our toys!
Selfish people are uncivil, selfless ones are civil. When we place little value in others, it diminishes our ability to see the value of others. Our inward Vantage Point closes our minds and hardens our hearts to the outside. We progress through the intersection of civility when we STOP being selfish and START being selfless.
STOP Formulating A Response, START Listening
We are all guilty of formulating a response while someone else is talking. It is impossible to listen when we do this. One of the greatest impediments to having a civil conversation is the inability to genuinely listen. Leadership guru Simon Sinek challenged us to take it to another level when he said, “Hearing is listening to what is said. Listening is hearing what isn’t said.”
Listening is one of the greatest skills a person can possess. When we listen, we better understand the position and perspective of the other person, even if we disagree. If we desire civility, STOP formulating a response and START listening.
STOP Being Ignorant, START Gaining Knowledge
Ignorant is a misunderstood word. People associate it with being dumb or stupid. I believe ignorance is an unwillingness to learn. We sit inside a bubble of our own ideas and refuse to seek challenges to those ideas. Civility emerges when we STOP being ignorant and START gaining knowledge.
Conclusion
Last, but not least, the greatest barrier to civility…hate. Hate is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. It is useless, a pure waste of time and energy. There is zero value in the emotion.
Love overcomes everything. The greatest definition of love comes from my faith. Corinthians 13:4-7 says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
I once read a book where the author challenged us to replace the word love with our name. It was an exercise in self-reflection of how we love others. Try it. How are you measuring up? Imagine a world where each of us held ourselves and each other to that standard. Through love like that, civility is possible.
STOP hating and START loving.