There are enemies of empathy that lurk within each of us. They lie deep within all of us and can significantly impede our ability to connect with other human beings.
Most people could not articulate the difference between the words sympathy and empathy. While they align in some ways, there are a few degrees of separation that drastically change the intended impacts of their use.
Sympathy vs Empathy
I have always believed that sympathy is when we have actually walked in someone else’s shoes. We can connect with them based on shared physical and emotional experiences in life. Connecting on that level is instantaneous and requires minimal effort because it is relative. We share those experiences.
Empathy on the other hand requires effort, and an extraordinary amount of it. If we have not experienced similar trials and tribulations as someone else, we must work harder to understand them. It is getting as close to walking in that person’s shoes as possible, without ever physically stepping into them.
If empathy can be such an effective tool in leadership, what keeps us from using it? Here are three enemies of empathy:
Our Mouths
I get the opportunity to lead a men’s group for our church. In our group there are men who have walked through circumstances I cannot even fathom, the loss of a child, addiction, divorce, severe illness, terminal diagnosis, you name it. Hearing and seeing their experiences makes me a more empathetic person. I often see that there is a bigger world out there than just the one I have experienced.
It makes me more cautious in my communication with others. Before I decide to express an opinion to another person, empathy often reminds me that I never know what someone else has walked through or is walking through.
Too often, we fail to connect with others because of our mouths. In a world of soundbites and strongly expressed opinions, we can forget there are stories behind the recipients of our messages. Stories we cannot even begin to imagine. Popping off at the mouth is unempathetic. It demonstrates a level of ignorance to another human being that we are incapable and unwilling to understand others.
As leaders, we sit in boardrooms, classrooms, and conference rooms with those we are responsible for serving. When we decide to rattle off our righteous opinions on how someone else can better live their life, we diminish our ability to lead. If people cannot get what comes out of our mouth, they will never know our hearts. If they never know our hearts, they won’t follow us.
Our Ears
Leaders who don’t listen are unable to connect at a personal level with their people. Andy Stanley has a great quote on this, “Leaders who refuse to listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing significant to say.” They may be crying out to us that life may be impacting their work performance. It could be aging parents, sick children, financial struggles, personal health issues, physical pain, debilitating anxiety, to just name a few.
When we fail to genuinely listen, we risk missing these things that aren’t said. Simon Sinek says, “Hearing is listening to what is said. Listening is hearing what isn’t said.”
In order to lead well we must be empathetic. To be empathetic, we must be a good listener. The ability to genuinely listen to another person is a valuable skillset. It comes natural to some, but the rest of us must work very hard at it.
Have you ever sat across from someone who is a good, empathetic listener? I read a quote that I couldn’t trace back to anyone, but it says, “some people won’t understand your words, while some won’t even need words to understand you.”
Put our phones away, stop checking emails, look the person in the eyes, display good body language, quit developing the rebuttal, and just be present and listen. Great leaders use not only their ears to listen, but more importantly their hearts.
Calloused Experiences
The more we walk without shoes on, the more calloused our feet become. They are hardened by what we walk on and through.
Webster’s Dictionary defines calloused as, “being hardened or thickened; feeling no emotion.” If we are not careful, our life and leadership experiences can callous our hearts. It can harden them, impeding our abilities to feel emotion. We put walls up, become cynical, believe the worst in others, expect things to go bad, and become critical of others. Conditions not conducive to empathy.
While our experiences can be an enemy of empathy, they can also be our strongest connections. As leaders, we can feel the need to have it all together. News flash…that is impossible!
Leaders must be vulnerable. When we share the hardships of life and leadership, it connects us with others. My pastor, Mike Linch, shares this quote from Ron Dunn frequently, “What is most personal is most universal.” This is so true, yet we continue to take that lonely walk.
Conclusion
All of us have the ability to be empathetic, it’s just a matter of whether we have the willingness. Empathy is an intentional act that separates extraordinary leaders from ordinary ones.
Empathy sends a message, spoken or unspoken that we love and care for the people that we are entrusted to lead. Unempathetic leaders create distance, not proximity.
Life and leadership can be tough. It seems to get crazier by the day. The people we lead need our empathy now more than ever. In the midst of labor shortages, supply chain disruption, inflation, politics, and pandemics, our people need good, quality Human Leadership more than ever.
Empathy connects leaders with their people. Want to defeat the enemies of empathy? Close our mouths, open our ears, and share our experiences.